I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
