Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
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