What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
