threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
