Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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