He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize