I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
The uberlube is also flammable
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Randomize