Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
