thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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