I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
