Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
