I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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