I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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