im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Randomize
