i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Randomize