I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
that is very illegal...i love you.
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