I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
I didn't shave. On purpose
its not stalking. its research.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
