Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
