Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
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