you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
