last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize