The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
