Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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