I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
