You're my little dorito
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
