69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
