There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
