I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
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