My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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