She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
