I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Randomize
