woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
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