Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Randomize
