I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
