It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize