oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
This toilet bowl is my home.
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