I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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