I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
