Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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