Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
