Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
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