Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Rumble strips road head = magical
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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