I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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