I wish I could punch you in the face.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
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