Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
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