id be glad to
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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