Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
