I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
