Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Randomize