i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
