I accidentally had phone sex last night
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
