forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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