The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
