seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Randomize
