wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
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