I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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