I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
