considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
