We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
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