Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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