those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
