There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize