probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
