If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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