I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Randomize
