I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Randomize
