i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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