i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
I did not marry a roomba.
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