did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
