Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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