Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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