This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
the liver wants what the liver wants
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Randomize
