Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
