If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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