I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
